Coffee Machine Chat

Some great sayings gathered from the web…

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

 2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

9) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

11) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

12) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

13) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

14) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

15) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

16) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

17) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

18) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

19) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

20) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

21) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

22) I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

23) Fighting Violence for peace is like healing burn wounds with fire.

24) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

25) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

26) Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

27) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

28) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

29) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

30) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

31) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left

32) Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

33) In a London Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

34) Outside a London second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

35) Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

36) Seen during a London conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

37) Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

38) On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

39) People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco : THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House: PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS